Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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