Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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