I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Randomize
