His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
