If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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