and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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