He uses pillows to masturbate.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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