I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
