well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
