I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
