dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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