I showed him my bush... on skype.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
