I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Success! We fucked roommates!
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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