We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
