and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
