My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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