She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
