the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
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I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
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I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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