This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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