my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
