if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
