i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
