Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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