i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Randomize
