And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
