Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
