well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
