I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
