I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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