I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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