I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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