porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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