I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
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That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
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i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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