sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i drank out of a bidet.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
