Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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