His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
