I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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