I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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