Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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