Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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