There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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