so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
