I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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