nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
