i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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