party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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