it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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