Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
