Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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