life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
