Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
