I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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