i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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