i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
