saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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