the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
