sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
