Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
