I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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