He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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