Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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